ALCOHOLICS for CHRIST

Co-dependency Questionnaire

Family Members Codependency Questionnaire

Check if "Yes"

1. My relationships often involve people who need my help or are somehow dependent on me.
2. When I feel I've helped someone, I experience a "high," a sense of success.
3. It is important to be needed.
4. I often find myself "in the middle," giving advice, counseling others.
5. On several occasions, people have become angry when I have tried to help.
6. I seem to know when bad things are about to occur.
7. I spend a lot of time thinking through or replaying scenes, trying to figure out what I can do to effect desired outcomes.
8. I seem to have difficulty starting and maintaining healthy relationships.
9. It's difficult for me to receive praise or care from others.
10. I do not like to let myself get angry. When I do, I often lose control.
11. It's difficult for me to say "No."
12. It's difficult for me to ask for things that I need. (Work, home, family.)
13. I often over-commit my time or over-promise myself.
14. It is hard for me to act silly, have fun, or relax.
15. If I'm not productive, I feel worthless.
16. It's difficult to believe that someone could truly love me.
17. I am afraid of really allowing myself to love.
18. I am afraid of being abandoned or being alone.
19. Sometimes I think I expect to be hurt.
20. I find it easy to criticize and blame others.
21. I seem to justify or make excuses for others' actions when they have hurt me.
22. When I know a relationship is about to end, I will stay in it until I can begin another dependent relationship.
23. It is easy to make me feel guilty and accept blame. I will take responsibility for others. Somehow things end up being my fault.
24. I am not sure what normal is.
25. I often take a stand in a relationship and then go back on what I said I would do. It seems as though I get sucked in again and again.
26. My circle of friends seems to have diminished.
27. I am not aware of what I want. I ask others what they want.
28. I tend to be sick a lot. I can't seem to fight off infection.
29. There never seems to be enough time to do things just for me; things I would enjoy doing.

The Enablers

Enabling is taking responsibility for the destructive behavior of other people so that they do not have to deal with the consequences of their own actions. It is also enabling to pretend that the destructive behavior is not occurring. The alcoholic is much less likely to see the need for sobriety or treatment when family members and friends are enablers.

Thoughts for the Alcoholic Family Member

This is a message of encouragement directed to alcoholic family members, parents, children, friends, any who care about someone who has a substance abuse problem, including other substance abusers. In writing these words I am not pretending to be an authority. I am simply sharing what I have learned and experienced concerning the ravages of the disease of alcoholism, and the blessings brought forth by God.

Drunkenness is a sin, alcoholism is a disease. It is a family disease emotional, physical, and spiritual. It is painful for all it touches, sometimes painful physically, and always emotionally and spiritually. The disease is progressive and, if not treated, ends in insanity and death for the alcoholic.

Children in alcoholic homes learn unhealthy coping methods, which are necessary for them to survive. These ill-serving methods of dealing with relationships, situations, and most of all, dealing with themselves, are always distorted to some degree. Most of the time the distortion is great and crippling.

The alcoholic's family, spouse, parents, children, aunts, uncles, and friends all try to "HELP." However, unless they themselves receive help, knowledge, and support, they will sink deeper into despair. They feel hopeless as they realize their behavior, actions (or lack of actions), and words have no effect on the drinking or behavior of their loved one.

When family members come to understand their legitimate, painful, unhealthy feelings, and are willing to choose a new pattern for themselves, then there springs forth hope for the whole family. The family's addiction to the alcoholic can be broken. The emotional scars can be found, talked about, and released to God. Jesus heals and frees family members to be able to choose different responses to the same situations. The deep spiritual wounds can be healed. Being a new creature in Christ Jesus becomes more and more a reality, as we all learn we can trust God and obtain rest for our very weary souls.

Many family members are just as good at deceiving themselves as any con artist. They are perhaps better at it than even the alcoholic is. We manipulate, with good motives, but often over-control the actions of those around us. The result is that our families are robbed of honest interaction.

Interactions, such as arguing and confronting one another, are frightening to us because of buried anger that paralyzes us. Family members don't like anger. They don't know how to deal with it. They stuff down their own anger and try desperately to shut it off in all those around them. Though at times much anger is expressed, it is never dealt with but covered over. Sometimes Christians quote scriptures, such as "Love hardly notices when others do it wrong," and proceed to bury their real feelings. These feelings will not disappear but will affect them greatly at the most inopportune times, usually directed at those not responsible.

It is no wonder that when we first come to family tables we are exhausted and hurt, yet still ready to expend the last ounce of energy to find a way to help the substance abuser so that everything will be alright. We are full of bitterness, pain, sorrow, grief, revenge, and discouragement. All these feelings are destructive to us. We hate to be wrong and have extremely low self-esteem; therefore, for these hidden reasons, we do not want to make decisions.

Underneath, our feelings drive us to behave erratically, and we have difficulty thinking rationally. Often we become angry at God. We have done the best we could, and it did not make any changes in our loved ones. Our faith becomes weak, and we begin to feel deep, deep despair.

It is not uncommon for family members, especially spouses, to become so depressed and hopeless that they seriously consider suicide. They are so tired of trying and failing to influence their loved one. They feel unloved, unworthy, and a failure in life. Oh, how they have failed God (God has failed them?).

Praise God! In our brokenness, we finally give up, and our precious Lord Jesus can then begin to move. With his loving, tender mercy, He binds our wounds and teaches us to depend on him for everything. His grace abounds, for we are able to receive as never before. He does show us a new way that we never knew before. Our faith grows because He is our only hope, and he shows us his faithfulness.

The love of Jesus in the family groups sustains us. When we can't believe, beautiful men and women who have gone through the same experiences are at our side to pray for us, hold us up, and minister to us. Hope and great joy begin to grow in our hearts, as God matures us and proves His Word: "For after you have suffered a while he shall establish, strengthen and settle you."

Jesus loves everyone. He feels our pain. He wants to set us free so that we might truly worship Him and heal "Our Land," our home, and our family, including us.

The people at family tables have experienced His love, faithfulness, and power in their lives and are there to encourage others and to continue to grow themselves. We are all living miracles and examples of God's love. We are certainly not perfected, but we know the source of all love, wisdom, and power, Jesus, and can speak to what He has done in us.

This body of Christ is a safe place to rest, be healed, nourished, and made whole in Christ Jesus. Your faith will increase, and your hope for your loved ones may be realized. Most of all, you will come to know Him and be able to receive his love for you. You will begin to fulfill His plan for your life.

The first few meetings may be overwhelming - and perhaps scary. It is very normal to feel uncomfortable and uneasy. However painful the meeting might be, it helps to realize that you have been in great pain for a long time. The uncomfortable feelings that you may have at first will disappear as you experience hope, solutions, and compassion of the A/C family fellowship. It is appropriate to be discouraged, but stay with us, and you too, will be able to laugh, smile, and actually feel joy again.

May you continue to trust Jesus and let Him love you.

Reactions & Feelings

REACTIONS TO REACTIONS TO FEELINGS AND FEELINGS VISIBLE BEHAVIORS INNER FEELINGS AND VISIBLE BEHAVIORS

Secret drinking: Shame
Social embarrassment and humiliation.
Personal and "How could he/she say that?"
"Socially withdrawn" at the party last night.
Stays out late or doesn't come home for 2-3 days.
Social withdrawal: turns down invitations quits entertaining in the home.

Suspiciousness questions mate's activities or fidelity: Fear
Takes control: picks up user's paycheck to make sure bills are paid.
Accusations
Changes lifestyle.
Geographic cures.
Rigidity: "have my house run my way."
Masked with anger and contempt.

Can't control drinking: Hurt
Communication as he tries to control deteriorates.
Others takes user's behavior personally.

Self-pity: Loneliness
Obsessive thoughts.
Can't get mind off of blaming others the user.
"You don't love me anymore."

Efforts to control are futile: Helplessness
Blames the user's drinking for failure "you're destroying my life."
Drinking increases.
Problems increase.

Emotionally inaccessible: Hopelessness
Family breaks down; depression, nervous breakdown, hospitalized for somatic illnesses.
"GIVES UP" or breaks away.
Moves out or has the user leave.